Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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