I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize