I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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