you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
