The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
