ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
