what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
