I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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