I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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