they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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