we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
