She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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