you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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