You smell like stripper and shame
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
