Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
