fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize