i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
