Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
