i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize