dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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