I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
