My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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