My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
