and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
