I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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