Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
