last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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