I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
