i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
