She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
