she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
