it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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