I just threw up on my dentist
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
