My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
