u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
