I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
