I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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