Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
