you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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