I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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