We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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