Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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