i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
