There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
