Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
