That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
