Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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