cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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