Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
