Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
