No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
