Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
