I just pynch a tree in the face
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
