How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
