I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I need moral support for this bender
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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