so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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