omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
