I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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